Tales from the Pig: Part One

I live in a very rural area. Our largest grocery store is Walmart, but I refuse to go there unless I need fabric (yes, fabric). So I shop at the local Piggly Wiggly, or Hoggly Woggly, as my grandmother calls it.

One thing I noticed upon entering our Pig was the vast amount of odd items for sale. For example, there are displays of items near the registers, which I can only assume are meant to be impulse purchases. You know, it’s where they normally keep candy and Chapstick and gum. Our Pig has these items, but they also have a large seasonal display.

The first time I visited, the seasonal display was full of bird seed–and not just any bird seed. It was large, 10-lb. bags of bird seed. So, to give you an idea of the type of people we’re dealing with out here, it’s the type of people who purchase 10-lb. bags of bird seed on a whim, because who couldn’t use that much bird seed?

So now you know what “Tales from the Pig” is about: it’s going to be a series of posts (yes, there’s that much material) about various encounters I’ve had with individuals in our local Piggly Wiggly store. Before I begin, however, I would like to state that, while I am making fun of some of these people, I am not trying to be mean. I would much prefer these types of individuals to rude, impatient types I might encounter in large cities. So here’s my first story:

My husband and I were walking through the aisles one evening, lost in conversation about which box of Hamburger Helper we should purchase for our next meal (Cheeseburger Macaroni always wins, though Michael pushes me to try more adventurous varieties. But I’ve already learned that lesson the hard way.)

Suddenly, we overhear a man and a woman (approximately in their early 30s), who are discussing their dinner plans in rather raucous voices. (I just looked up “raucous” to be sure it’s the word I’m looking for here. Yes. Definitely raucous.)

They’re in the meat section, and I need some ground beef for the Hamburger Helper, so we move closer to inspect both the meat and the individuals.

The man is as skinny as you can imagine a man to be, and he’s wearing a dingy white wife-beater. He has scraggly brown hair which reaches his ears and a hint of a mustache.

The woman is wearing a faded shirt which used to be tie-dyed and has unkempt hair which is pulled back in a ponytail. She looks angry. He looks angry, too. They’re yelling at each other over the steaks.

I realize quickly that they’re having an argument about how much meat to purchase and whether or not it’s too expensive for dinner. (To be fair, steak at this Piggly Wiggly is rarely on sale. We never buy it here because we think it IS too expensive.)

The woman argues that they can’t afford steak, but the man eventually convinces her otherwise. Then they discuss how much steak to buy. The man thinks one family pack is enough, but the woman thinks that “Maw” can eat at least two steaks by herself. (“Maw” immediately piques my interest, by the way. She sounds like an amazing woman.)

Eventually, the man loses his patience and decides to show the woman exactly how the steaks should be distributed amongst their clan.

He starts violently stabbing each piece of meat with his index finger as he shouts out names seemingly at random. “This ‘un’s yers! This ‘un’s mine! This ‘un’s Maw’s! Maw’s!” (He stabs two steaks for Maw). His voice gets louder and his stabs more forceful with each yell. The finale comes as he stabs the last four steaks faster and faster while yelling, “Fer the kids! Fer the kids! Fer the kids! Fer the kids!”

At this point, I turn away. I don’t feel right intruding upon this very personal conversation and I’m nearly dying from concealed laughter. We continue with our grocery shopping until we hear the same familiar voice on the sauce and condiment aisle.

“Maw can’t eat that Worcestershire sauce! It’s too spicy!” We didn’t stick around to hear what the woman replied, but we caught up with them again later in the frozen food section.

“I done told you! Maw don’t like nothing spicy! She cain’t eat that!” Now, I don’t remember exactly what he was referring to in this instance, but I swear it was some sort of frozen vegetable. Maw is apparently a very picky eater.

I never saw this couple again, and I honestly would be a little scared to run into them in a dark alley at night. But I sometimes wonder what happened with their steak dinner and whether or not Maw found their marinade too spicy. I can only picture the woman in a Muumuu with curlers in her hair as she gnaws on unseasoned steaks, but I’m sure that’s just my vivid imagination running away with me.

If you enjoyed this story, don’t worry–I have plenty more where that came from. Just stay tuned for Tales from the Pig: Part Two.

Pretty Little Liars Recap: Scream for Me (Ep. 05×08)

The episode begins with the liars in choir practice. They’re singing the creepiest version of “What Child Is This?” that I’ve ever heard. (These girls have soo many extra-curricular activities. I couldn’t handle it all, and I don’t even have a psychotic stalker or raised-from-the-dead best friend to deal with.) (Also, Hanna and Emily can’t sing. Aria sings beautifully, though, and Spencer can carry a tune.) Pan to Alison talking to Agent Tanner, who is being pretty rude, as per usual. She’s grilling Alison about Shana, though they’re supposed to be discussing Alison’s mother. I get that Agent Tanner is trying to solve a case here, but let’s not forget that Ali’s MOM just died. That’s kind of a big deal.

Spencer tells the other girls that Tanner will probably question them next, so of course we’re all thinking “what happened to needing parents to be present when questioning minors?” Aria’s pretty ticked at Hanna, which is understandable. She decides to call Ezra and warn him about Tanner’s round of questioning.

Ali realizes that A circled all the A notes on her sheet music. A also left a stupid pun at the bottom of the music. The girls act scared, but I’d honestly just laugh at this. It’s a pretty dumb threat.

The scene switches to the hallway, where Hanna accidentally drops a beer can from her locker. Spencer tells her how stupid she is, and Hanna acts like a jerk. Goth Hanna has really stepped up her game for this episode. She almost looks like Homeless Goth Hanna. My theory is that Aria stopped letting her borrow clothes (because she hates her right now, obviously), so Hanna decided to borrow Caleb’s old clothes. The only problem with this theory is that Caleb probably doesn’t own shredded tights, but that guy’s gotten so weird that it’s actually a possibility.

Hanna tells Spencer and Emily that she tried apologizing for her stupidity to Aria, but that Aria won’t accept. Spencer once again reminds Hanna that she’s stupid. This time it’s because her “apology” wasn’t even quite half-hearted. “We heard it, and it sounded like you were underwater, and Caleb was laughing in the background. Classy. You may need to say it again.” Emily then tells Hanna to apologize to Ali, too.

Aria’s on the phone with Ezra, and the most interesting part of their conversation is the fact that Aria likes to call Crazy Rhonda “Big Rhonda,” which I guess I’m okay with. I’m still going with Crazy Rhonda, though. Anyway, Aria’s mom walks up and acts pretty weird. She seems nervous about asking Aria to be maid-of-honor for her wedding (isn’t this a given), and then demands that Aria shop for dresses this afternoon. Aria says that she has to work at Radley, and Ella is a little ridiculous when she tells Aria that she really needs her to go. But then Aria acts like a total jerk by blowing her mom off and running inside school. She sort of tells her mom that she’ll go that afternoon, though.

Emily’s talking to Sydney in the locker room. Apparently there’s such a class as “language lab” (that sounds made up). Emily’s trying to find out if Syndey caught on to the “New York” comment, but she’s not very smooth about it. She gets a little too smiley and crazy-eyed. Sydney changes the subject abruptly, and kind of awkwardly tells Emily that she’s now assistant coach for the swim team. Yay! More extra-curricular activities. Emily doesn’t act thrilled, so Sydney gets a little pissy and leaves.

Hanna calls Caleb at lunch, because they’re supposed to be eating together. He’s all drunk and weird now, so he stood her up because he’s still asleep. She tells him not to worry about it, but how did the best boyfriend in the world turn into a practically homeless creep? Oh, yeah. He fell in love with a ghost girl. Ali comes to sit next to Goth Hanna, and Hanna apologizes for being rude at Emily’s house. Ali takes the apology pretty well, and then asks Hanna if she can stay with her for a few days while her dad is out of town. Hanna says she needs to ask her mom, but obviously doesn’t like the idea.

Spencer is probably my favorite character on the show, but the girl has got to learn some tact. She’s telling Toby all of her theories about how his mother died while the poor guy looks at the drawing Bethany made of her plummeting from a window. Talk about classy, Spence. Are deceased mothers not a sympathetic thing in Rosewood? ‘Cuz that’s a pretty big deal in real life. She actually uses the term “skewered by demon” in this conversation. She does eventually realize that he’s upset, and apologizes. Toby tells her that he wants to become a cop, and she has the completely wrong reaction to this news. She’s upset. Why? Shouldn’t she love this idea? She asks if this is why Toby cut his hair (Hint: It’s not. The actor (Keegan Allen) was actually growing it out for Locks of Love. So we give him a pardon for that terrible hairdo. Plus, it’s normal again now.) Toby reminds us that his house just blew up. I actually kind of forgot about that. That’s a big deal, too, though, right? Where the heck is he living? Is Homeless Toby living with Almost Homeless Caleb? That can’t be a good idea.

Aria’s snooping around Radley in the most spastically obvious way possible. She is literally hopping through the halls while she peers through windows. Naturally, a mean old lady nurse catches her, and she’s not sympathetic to Aria’s plight. Aria tells her that she’s looking for Eddie Lamb, and the nurse makes a joke about Aria being a slut or something. Anyway, Eddie doesn’t work there anymore, and no one knows where he went. (I still think he’s dead.) The nurse leaves, and Aria sneaks into Crazy Rhonda’s room with all the stealth of an elephant. Rhonda catches her, and Aria gives her some lame excuse for being there. Rhonda makes a deal with Aria, but we don’t get to find out yet what it is (hint: it’s food. Tell me you didn’t see that coming. I really didn’t.)

Crazy Rhonda could eat Aria for dinner. But, thankfully, she wants Cheetos instead.

Instead, we get to see Ali being all dramatic again. This time she’s telling Ashley Marin about her terrible fake-kidnapping, and Ashley is eating the story up with a spoon. Hanna walks in, and her mom lets her know that Ali is staying with them. Ashley’s really nice to Ali and offers her bath salts, which upsets Hanna because she’s a gothic turd. She refuses to help her mother with dinner, and opts to hang out with Almost Homeless Caleb instead. She tells her mom that they have to study for Caleb’s exit exams, but didn’t he drop out of school? And didn’t he already take these exams? I’m assuming she’s lying, but seriously, since when do high school drop outs bother with exit exams? I need an expert in delinquency for this. Anyway, Hanna makes what’s supposed to be a cutting statement as she leaves. “By the way, I’ve asked to use those bath salts, like, a million times.” Um…I have so many problems with this statement. For one, how old is Hanna? Five? For two, aren’t they rich? Can Ashley Marin not afford some more bath salts? And why do they keep bath salts in the kitchen? These are the questions that keep me up at night, people. Ashley Marin gives Hanna a look of supreme disappointment I really don’t know what.

Flash back to Radley. Crazy Rhonda apparently has a sweet tooth. The deal was for a root beer and some Cheetos. In exchange, she not only doesn’t kill Aria, but she offers her information about Bethany. Crazy Rhonda is jealous of Bethany because she got to go to the circus and the horse ranch. Dude, I’d be jealous, too. Rhonda can’t even get some dang Cheetos without bribing people. She tells Aria that Mrs. D took Bethany on all of these wonderful, though slightly random, outings. She also gave Bethany a pony named Custard. Mean old nurse busts in just as the conversation gets juicy. She informs Aria that Big/Crazy Rhonda is actually Big/Crazy/Diabetic Rhonda. Oops. Aria doesn’t seem to care.

Meanwhile, Nearly Homeless Caleb still has a car, and he and Goth Hanna decide to become Drunk Caleb and Drunk Hanna. Also, Caleb wants to go on a trip to some weird place, like Myanmar, but Hanna can’t go because can’t spell the name (Don’t worry, Hanna. I had to double-check my spelling on that one, too.) Hanna decides to go into Ella’s fiance’s cafe to get a tuna melt. Zac’s just about to tell her to leave when he decides to give her a sandwich instead.

Skip to Emily’s house, where Sydney’s being really creepy. She sneaks slowly into Emily’s room and hands her a hoodie (gasp! Is that a clue? Probably not.) It’s an assistant coach hoodie for the swim team. Sydney then tries to trip Emily up about New York, but Emily calls her on it.

Pan back to the cafe, where Zac is trying to give Hanna a little more than a sandwich. He’s laying it on pretty thick, and Hanna’s obviously feeling awkward, though she’s too stupid to say anything. So he rubs her back suggestively and gives her the sandwich. She leaves.

Aria’s talking to Spencer on the phone about what happened at Radley when Ella walks in and is obviously upset. She is way overreacting and thinks Aria doesn’t want her to get married. Aria calms her down and promises to go to the next dress appointment. Ella then stomps out of the room like a toddler.

Drunk Hanna and Drunk Caleb at their best.

Hanna and Caleb are back at his house, so he’s obviously not quite homeless, though his furnishings are depressing, to say the least. They’re watching some sort of car chase while they drink hard liquor. Drunk Goth Hanna plus Drunk Nearly Homeless Caleb = Classiest Couple Evah. Drunk Caleb tries to kiss Drunk Hanna, but she pulls away (supposedly because of the earlier Zac incident) and says she wants to go home.

Cut back to the choir room, where Spencer and Emily are discussing Hanna and her ridiculous self. They decide to go to the horse stables after school. They think maybe Bethany tried to kill Ali. Hungover Hanna stumbles into the room in the same goth clothes from yesterday, but with a new Rice Krispy hair piece. She tells Emily that Zac hit on her, and Spencer suggests that maybe Hanna misread the situation because she’s always so dang drunk. Hanna gets mad because Spencer and Emily are buzz-kills to her drunkenness, so she leaves.

The scene flips to Hanna’s bedroom where Ashley Marin finds Ali sitting in a windowsill. She’s mad for a second that Hanna got drunk, stayed at her boyfriend’s house all night, and missed school, but she gets over it in about two seconds. No “Mother of the Year” awards here. Ali tells Ashley that she heard someone outside last night, so she slept in the closet instead of telling someone. It’s actually a pretty believable story, and I honestly felt sorry for her. Ashley feels so bad for her that she takes off work so she can stay with Ali. She’s apparently a really good mom to other people’s children.

Emily and Spencer meet some guy named Declan (cool name, bro) at the horse ranch. He’s kind of a jerk, but who cares? We’ve already cut back to Hanna’s house.

Ashley convinces Ali to go out with her for dinner. At this rate, Ali’s gonna be buying Hanna’s mom a Mother’s Day gift while Hanna dies from alcohol poisoning and wearing too many layers of clothing.

Back to the horse ranch. Declan tells Emily and Spencer about “the bucket incident.” Supposedly, Mrs. D asked Bethany to call her “Aunt Jessie,” and Bethany threw a bucket at her. Hmm. Spencer asks if Ali ever came with them, but he doesn’t remember. It starts to storm, but Spencer insists on snooping around anyway.

I actually would be pretty ticked at Spencer for her ridiculous spy habits. Rain + storm + horses + stuck = no good time.

It’s now dark, and Hanna is eating alone in her car. Zac hops in and hits on her some more. He gives her ample opportunity to say “no, thanks,” but she acts really weird instead. He comes across as a major creep and gives Hanna his number. Just as we’re all thinking, “Yay! Now Hanna has hard proof that Zac hit on her!” she rips the number up into a million pieces like a total moron. I don’t think I’ve ever been more angry with Hanna.

Meanwhile, Ashley Marin is walking around her completely-dark-for-no-reason house when she notices that the kitchen window is open. She shuts it, but then hears noises. She notices the front door is open, closes it, and then sees someone in the kitchen. Gasp! Ali comes downstairs, Ashley tells her to shut up, and then grabs a vase or something equally stupid to protect herself. They start to call the cops from Ali’s phone just as the intruder leaves. But first he raises a knife pointlessly, and then drops it. They find it on the floor, then they both stare out the window with stupid expressions as Ashley calls the cops.

Agent Tanner works some insanely long hours. She shows up at the Marins’ house to question Ashley and Ali about the intruder. Ashley acts normal, but Ali plays up the dramatics a bit much. Tanner’s questioning Ali pretty hard when Ashley steps in and tells her she’s being ridiculous. She should be helping Ali instead of questioning her. I have to agree with this. Agent Tanner’s a sort of horrible person.

The camera cuts to Aria’s lovely handwriting (the girl is multi-talented). She’s labeling place-cards for the engagement party when Hanna interrupts. She looks sort of pathetic (and a bit deranged, maybe?) as she tells Aria that Zac just hit on her. Once again, she explains things really badly. Aria jumps to the wrong conclusion, tells Hanna off for being a bad friend, and Hanna leaves. Aria’s a bit too harsh, but whatever. Hanna’s acting ridiculous. ABC’s hashtag says #PoorHanna, but I’m kind of thinking #ItNeededToBeSaid.

Spencer and Emily are still snooping around the stables, though it’s now very dark and storming badly. The horse is acting psychotic, but they find Melissa’s helmet there, so Spencer insists on staying. The girls start arguing, and A takes this opportunity to lock them in the stall. The demonic horse starts kicking the railing in. Seriously, are we supposed to believe that A somehow orchestrated this whole ordeal? Or does A just seize opportunities as they come along? It doesn’t really matter. Spencer’s a genius, so she figures out how to use the ladder as a battering ram with the horse’s kicks as momentum. Spencer somehow gets hurt (on her eye) just as the door is rammed open. They leave, and apparently have no trouble getting home, though Declan told them earlier that the roads wash out easily.

Spencer’s washing her eye with a cloth in her kitchen when Toby knocks on the door. He’s wearing a hooded jacket (another clue?! Eh. Probably not.) He’s concerned about her eye, and then he adds insult to injury by telling her she smells like crap. Literally. She tells him they’ve been at the stables. Spencer tells Toby that she’s decided he should be the awesomest policeman ever.

Meanwhile, Zac, Ella, and Aria are getting ready for the engagement party. Aria starts acting a little weird towards Zac, but she’s trying to be cool about it.

Emily and Ali are in Ali’s room when Spencer busts in and demands to know why the cops are outside. Ali says that they brought her home so she could get some stuff. Spencer’s freaking out and tells the girls that A is really scaring her. Ali then confesses that she asked Noel Kahn to break into Hanna’s house so that Ashley Marin would believe her story. It’s a pretty smart lie, but dang, girl. She does at least look a bit ashamed of herself.

The A scene at the end shows a dark room (as always) with framed photos of Ali & Spencer posing and someone on a horse (I think it may be Alison. Or it may be her twin. I don’t buy that “no twin theory” crap.) A then picks up a helmet (maybe Melissa’s), strokes it, and lays it back down. Then they lift the cushion off a chair to reveal a secret compartment. They start to take something out, and the scene cuts to credits.

Pretty Little Liars Recap: The Silence of E. Lamb (Ep. 05×07)

The episode opens with Emily walking down the school hallways with her mother. Pam Fields sees Alison, then tells Emily to invite Ali (heck, why not all the girls?) over for dinner that night. This is a much bigger deal to everyone than it should be. The girls are all immediately suspicious of Mrs. Fields, which makes no sense, because she’s the only parent in the town who actually acts like a parent (sometimes). No one wants to go to dinner, because of reasons that make no sense. Emily says that she can’t cancel the evening without an “epic excuse,” which is funny because their excuses normally work, even though they’re terrible. This scene takes way too long to play out, in my opinion.

Aria casually mentions that she’s going to be at Radley all evening, trying to scrounge up clues about the Bethany girl. She makes an offhand comment about Spencer helping Ezra pack up all of his research and spy equipment. And no one even shuddered when she reminded them that her ex-boyfriend was constantly monitoring their every move for the past few years. Spencer just glares a little at her, which is overall pretty nice of her.

Hanna’s goth now, as evidenced by her maroon lipstick. She pretty much dresses exactly like Aria, who is not goth, so the lipstick must be something only goths do. She also starts complaining about Alison a lot, and her complaints are mostly whiny. Ali is also whiny, though that’s more understandable, considering that someone recently tried to choke her to death. She and Emily discuss the attempted murder fairly calmly in the bathroom before Sydney pops out of the stall, indicating that she was most likely listening to the entire conversation.

Sydney tells Emily that Paige found a rat in her locker. Emily immediately confronts Mona, of course, who plays it off as a stupid prank by a random boy. Emily blames Noel Kahn, and Mona doesn’t argue.

Goth Hanna sees Caleb sitting at a table outside the school, and he tells her he’s taking exit exams. He’s not studying, of course, because that would be normal. The show is trying very hard to let us know that Caleb has changed, so take note. First of all, he has a new hair cut, which is okay. Secondly, he apparently can’t grow a mustache, but he’s trying, which is not okay. And then there’s the brooding. There’s a lot of that.

Hanna tries to explain to Caleb that she and the other girls absolutely must go to this dreaded dinner, but Caleb ain’t buyin’ it. He wants to know why on earth they have to go, and why Alison needs so much support. He wants her to sever ties with Alison, but Hanna’s worried that the other liars will hate her. Caleb tells her that she’ll always have him, unless he randomly decides to move to another town and fall in love with a dead ghost girl that he doesn’t even know.

Aria manages to snag the only volunteer position at Radley that has anything to do with art, and immediately meets Eddie Lamb. What a fortunate coincidence! Eddie acts like he may recognize her, but doesn’t give anything away.

Meanwhile, Caleb tells Alison off for wreaking havoc everywhere she goes, which she kind of had coming. He calls her a tornado, which she probably considers a compliment.

Flashback to the art studio, where crazy students are randomly ripping up paper when they should be drawing. Aria decides that messing with a bunch of mental patients’ minds is the best idea, so she displays the demon/Mrs. Dilaurentis drawing where everyone can see (amongst the Monets, of course. It doesn’t stand out at all.) And OF COURSE Bethany’s roommate immediately sees the drawing and recognizes it. Too bad she’s bat crap crazy, Aria. She accuses Aria of being a thief, and the teacher quickly steps in to explain that the girl is just crazy because her roommate was just found dead. She says all this where the girl can easily hear, so it’s really a good thing that the poor thing didn’t burst into hysterics at the bluntness of the comment. Have a little tact, random art teacher.

Crazy Rhonda sits in a chair all crazy-like. {Source: fanpop.com}

Meanwhile, at the Hastings’ household, Melissa is back. She’s cleaning out the barn, and hands Spencer a dead rat wrapped in a bag. Is this a clue about Paige’s rat?! She doesn’t seem to want Spencer to know it’s a rat, so maybe.

Hanna confronts Caleb about his conversation with Alison, and he doesn’t really seem to care. He’s too busy chugging a six pack of beer to notice anything, really. He basically tells Hanna that talking to a dead girl for a few months has really opened his eyes to the true meaning of life, and she’s stupid for not being able to make excellent life decisions like he has (as he’s holding a beer at approximately 3 o’clock in the afternoon). So Hanna kicks him out. Ravenswood really changed you, Caleb.

Spencer and Ezra have a super awkward conversation at his apartment, and it’s probably one of the most realistic scenarios of the episode. She is obviously still put off by all of his spy equipment, which is a pretty normal reaction, considering that he stalked the girls for years. She seems to be the only one that cares about this, which further seals her place as the smart one in the group. We all love Ezra, but he’s still a little creepy. Spencer tells Ezra that he shouldn’t lift anything, which makes me wonder, why is Spencer, the scrawniest of the liars, the one helping Ezra carry his multiple boxes of heavy equipment? Spencer asks Ezra if she can borrow a camera, and of course he lets her, because he owes her big time.

Mona likes to creepily stare at the Cavanaugh house in her spare time, and Emily catches her. She tells Emily that she’s not an amateur, so the dead rat trick wasn’t her. She’s got a point.

Spencer thanks Ezra for taking a bullet for her, which is pretty nice. Ezra then waxes philosophical about his book and how it didn’t turn out like he wanted. He’s not talking about the stalking of four teenage girls, losing his girlfriend, and getting shot, either. He wishes he’d written a book about his family. Huh. Spencer tells him that she’s using the camera to record Melissa. Gasp! Never saw that one coming. Actually, she should have started recording her sister back in season one, but hind sight’s 20/20.

Aria is cleaning up after dark at Radley, of course, when Crazy Rhonda accuses her again of stealing the drawing. She threatens to cut off Aria’s hands (?!), so Aria gives her back the drawing and accidentally calls the girl a thief. Smart move, Aria. Thankfully, Eddie walks in just in time to save Aria’s hands. Rhonda tells Aria that she needs to take a shower in the most menacing voice ever used to utter that sentence. Aria wisely decides to send Emily a cryptic text about not being able to make it to dinner, because that’s obviously of the utmost importance in this situation.

Emily shows up at Hanna’s house angry because Hanna cancelled on dinner due to cramps. Emily somehow knows that Hanna’s period is in two weeks, which is a little strange, but whatever. She convinces Hanna to come to dinner, and Hanna guesses that something is up between Emily and Alison.

The scene cuts back to Radley, where we see Crazy Rhonda wandering the halls in a plastic cap and robe. She’s either totally lost it, or she’s going to take her menacing shower. (Side note: All I can think of when I see this scene is how an evil sim on the Sims 3 will take an “evil shower.” I bet Rhonda is an evil sim.)

Aria decides this is a great opportunity to look through Rhonda’s room, and then decides to climb under Rhonda’s bed. Rhonda’s shower is cut short because she’s a psycho, so she flops down on her bed, and pretty much traps Aria underneath it. The show likes to focus on how large Rhonda is in this scene, which is a bit mean, in my opinion. But, whatever. Aria sees a book hidden under Rhonda’s mattress, so who cares about Rhonda or her feelings?

Meanwhile, at Emily’s house, Mrs. Fields is dressed like a 50s housewife and rolls a drink cart onto the front porch. Alison and Hanna have a heated argument about Caleb, and Alison is bossy, as per usual. Maybe Mrs. Fields doesn’t realize the girls are in high school, because the drink cart contains soda, water, and vodka. Hanna opts for vodka, but tells everyone that it’s water. She’s hardcore goth now, after all.

Mrs. Fields really went all out. Maybe she’s been lonely in Texas. {Source: alloyentertainment.com}

Aria somehow managed to sneak from underneath Rhonda’s crushing body weight, snag the book from beneath her mattress (seriously, how?), shove it in her ridiculously large bag, and then runs suspiciously to her vehicle. Eddie stops her, obviously notices the book in her bag, but says nothing of it. He asks what she’s looking for, and Aria acts like a schizophrenic as she claws at her car while murmuring that she has to go. Eddie calls Ezra Fitz as he watches her leave (where did he get Fitz’s number?!)

There’s some awkward dinner conversation going on at the Fields house, mostly due to Hanna being a belligerent drunk and Alison playing drama queen of the year. Alison is seriously vying for an Academy Award as she tells Pam Fields her fake story of abduction. Hanna’s sick of it, though, so she makes several rude comments until Emily eventually takes her aside and asks her to leave. She figured out the vodka thing, because she’s not a total idiot.

Aria and Spencer look at Bethany’s book of demon pictures, and find some normal drawings of puppies and horses mixed in with the ones of Mrs. D with devil horns and Toby’s mother falling from a window at Radley. The girls jump to a lot of conclusions here, and assume that Bethany blamed Mrs. D for the cover up surrounding Toby’s mother’s death, that she went after Mrs. D as soon as she left Radley, and that Mrs. D then killed Bethany. There are quite a few explanations for the sequence of events, but I suppose this is the most plausible theory. The girls seem to accept it as fact.

Melissa and Spencer share a moment in the Hastings’ kitchen. Melissa tells Spencer that their entire situation (divorce, dead bodies, lack of milk in the fridge, Alison, etc.) is all about love. She says “regret” a lot here, too. Then she stares at Spencer for so long that any normal person would feel uncomfortable. The hashtag #MelissasSecret pops up on the screen, so obviously Melissa’s secret is that she collects dead rats. Or it could be something else. I dunno. Also, Spencer’s iPad alerts her loudly when there’s surveillance footage of Melissa’s barn. This is probably a bad idea, for obvious reasons. Maybe Spencer should ask Ezra how to be more discreet when stalking loved ones?

Drunk Hanna runs into Sydney at the coffee shop. Hanna and Sydney both have big mouths. Sydney’s mouth is literally huge, while Hanna just leaks a lot of information when she’s intoxicated. She trusts Sydney a lot, considering she doesn’t know her at all. She accidentally lets it slip that the girls were in New York the night that Shana died, and she looks as guilty as she possibly can while she does so. Great job, Hanna. Why do the liars keep telling her stuff?

Mrs. Fields nicely tells Emily that she knows that she loved (loves?) Alison, but Alison’s obviously a liar, and Emily can do much better. There’s generally only one caring parent in any given episode, and this one is all about Pam Fields. She gets a few mom points for actually being a mom this time. But don’t worry. She’ll probably be absent for the rest of the season.

Sydney leaves the coffee shop, and Hanna seizes this opportunity to have a moment with Caleb. They say lots of angsty things. He reiterates that falling in semi-love with a ghost girl really changed him, and then he sorta acts nice to her for a few seconds, so they kiss. His mustache is especially unflattering here, and the music is a little weird. But Haleb is back, so who cares?

The scene switches to Spencer’s awesomely decorated bedroom, where she’s lazily watching Melissa on her iPad. She just happens to look out the window when she sees something odd at Alison’s house. Then she notices Ali on her iPad screen, standing in the yard. That’s strange enough, but Ali’s wearing a toboggan and coat, which are both totally out of style.

Emily finally decides to call Paige, which she really should have done a long time ago. She ends up leaving a long voicemail.

Ezra shows up at Aria’s house and tells her that he was supposed to meet Eddie, but Eddie never showed up. Dum dum DUM. (Eddie’s probably dead, right?) Ezra’s had a really big day for someone recovering from a massive gunshot wound. Maybe he should go lie down for a while.

Spencer shows Aria and Emily the video of Alison in Melissa’s yard, and Aria immediately notices that the clothes are ugly unusual. A sends everyone but Hanna a text, which says that Ali’s weird behavior is probably due to Hanna’s drunken confession earlier in the evening. The girls are obviously all ticked at Hanna, and she hasn’t even told them the details yet. Looks like next episode is going to be interesting.

The weird A scene at the end shows Pam Field’s invitation to Ella Montgomery’s engagement party (what? Did I miss that scene?) being opened, photographed, and then resealed. Hmmm…

A few questions: Am I the only one that hates Caleb’s hair now, especially the facial part? Did Hanna just raid Aria’s closet to find her own “unique” style? When did Ella’s mom get engaged, and shouldn’t Pam Fields get a “plus one” on her invitation for Emily’s dad?